You hit the nail on the head for me. It took me a while to process what you wrote and extrapolate to my situation as my sweetie is not as advanced but this dementia journey is one huge paradox. Here I sit at 4 in the morning and what do I do besides taking care of my bodily functions? I log onto alzconnected.org to soak up some strength to return to bed for more sleep. In comes my sweetie for his 2nd or 3rd trip of the evening saying he thought when he didn’t see me in bed I was downstairs PLAYING on the computer. Odd that he uses the word playing when I’ve told him gazillion times I’m on one of my support groups! No matter, I guess because he doesn’t object. I suppose he knows deep down that I need to be here – a place he cannot be but takes me to and leaves me. This is not what I planned on writing. Just another example of adjust, readjust.
I was not a homemaker and consciously decided not to have munchkins. I wouldn’t describe myself as career driven. My profession was satisfying and I had some pretty unusual life experiences with several different employers. I was not interested in management and don’t regret that. What I’m trying to say is that in a very non-feminist way I always invested my energies in making my sweetie number one in our marriage. Forgettaboud ironing his clothes though. He always had that sexy wrinkled look but I would always make sure that the house was stocked with his favorite foods, that his coffee pot at work never went empty and that his career came first. So I left places I thought I never would and moved to places that I never dreamed of being.
I guess this dementia ride is just another one of those places. This time it’s not “fun”, an adventure or a place I want to be. So again the paradox at a time in life when I thought I wouldn’t be as challenged emotionally and physically. When I thought that my anxieties about my future would diminish and I would be the most experienced at my “career” it all feels like I’m starting over not just when the dementia started but every time there is an interaction. There’s no predictability or feeling comfortable. Who but those going through this can imagine what it’s like. I don’t even know what it’s going to be like from moment to moment. I know it sounds trite but for me the greatest gift our loved ones have given us at this moment is leading us to this website to find each other. I can’t imagine how I would have survived without our connection. Those that did this before us without this or other support systems are truly super heroes in my book.
And because I can’t end this without some wise ass remark or sending God a thank you (nonbeliever) I just want to repeat my mantra, THANK YOU AL GORE FOR INVENTING THE INTERNET!!!!